Surviving The Holidays And The Blindside Reminders

There is an expectation during the holidays that people should be cheerful. But for those of us who have experienced loss during the holidays, the Holidays can create fresh memories of our loss and a fresh experience of pain and grief. The thought of facing another holiday season causes some people to wish they could sleep from the Wednesday before Thanksgiving until January 2. Loss is always hard, and at the holidays it can seem crushing. The thought of being in a festive mood for two months is just too much to bear when our heart is breaking.

During the holidays, we must navigate a difficult path in deciding how to handle decisions about family activities and rituals. I decided to attend my husband's side of the family Christmas party, just three days after I buried my mother. This was a terrible decision because I was not ready to be around a lot of people, nor did I feel like pretending to be in a festive mood. Well what do you know,  I did the very same thing four years later, after my father passed away. So now, during the holidays, I am often hit by powerful feelings that are evoked by some reminder of the loss. I like to call these "blindside reminders",  if you will. For me, doing the usual traditions and celebrations makes the loved one’s absence all the more painful.

The past few Christmases we have done things a bit differently. Last year, we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at Great Wolf Lodge and then headed to the beach Christmas Day night. We had a blast! And it made it much easier for me to deal with my parent's absence by doing something other than the normal routine.

My advice to those dealing with loss during the holidays, whether it's been 6 days, 6 months, or 6 years since you lost your loved one: Allow yourself to grieve. American culture has a tough time with death. For some reason, there is pressure to get on with life within a year after a loss. That expectation is unrealistic and unfair. Most people take three to five years to fully accept the loss of someone they loved. If someone dear to you died during this past year, remind yourself that it’s normal and healthy to want to bow out of some of the events of the winter holidays that emphasize family and togetherness when you are feeling alone in a new and painful way.

- Let others know that you may not be able to do the things that you have done in the past.

- Avoid social events that seem more like an obligation.

- Accept that feelings of anguish are difficult to avoid during the holiday season. Do not expect too much of yourself, and recognize that you are doing the best you can.

I want to love the Christmas season again. I really do! And I believe I will love Christmas again one day. It’s helpful for me to do some things that aren’t shadowed by the fact that the last time we did them, the deceased person shared it.

It is very important to remember that when people are already experiencing the great stress of grief, the additional strains of the holiday season can create distress that is almost unbearable.

Time does indeed heal most things. But everyone has his or her own sense of timing. If this is your first holiday season since the loss of a loved one, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do to get through it. Find ways to honor the memory of your loved one and to accept the support and care of those who love you.

Blessings,
Dalinda